Stepping in front of the cannon

Details in this story changed to protect the innocent and the guilty. Just kidding, I changed them because there is confidentiality privilege in coaching, duh.

I got this text from a client today:

My supervisor sent a message to me and another female colleague that began ‘Girls.’ My response: While I’m more than happy to work on this, please don’t refer to me as a Girl.

She went on to say that she was going to give her response more thought, but then realized that if she were a man, she would not feel the need to explain herself. 

She texted me, Proud moment.

A few minutes later she sent me his reply: This is well noted. Sorry if this has caused any uncomfortable feelings. It was not my intention. My apologies.

She asked me if she should respond. I asked her to tell me what her gut was saying to her.

To do nothing.

Why? I asked.

Because I've said what I wanted to say. No need for further explanations or to thank others for reading what I wrote.

Mic drop.

I once read that Oprah said that we teach people how to treat us. Since I love a good etymological hunt, I just discovered that it was actually said by a life coach named Tony Gaskins. He likely said it TO Oprah, which is why it’s often attributed to her. (Side bar: Must be fascinating to be so famous that you get to take credit for the things said TO you.)

The full quote is “You teach people how to treat you by what you allow, what you stop, and what you reinforce.”

I recently emphatically left a meeting because a male human was acting unprofessionally for the umpteenth time. By emphatic I mean I stood up, told him “that was quite enough” in a raised voice in front of other people, asked if the meeting was over, turned on my heel, and stormed out. Was it the most professional exit from a meeting I’ve ever had? No. Was I proud of myself for drawing the line? Yup. Have I had moments since where I feel I have to (over) explain my actions? Mm-hmm. 

You know what every woman I’ve talked to about this situation has said? Been there. It sucks. Proud of you for drawing the line. 

You know what the one man* I talked to about it said? He said that in Jordan there is a saying that goes something like “Don’t be the first one in front of the cannon.” Which basically means, don’t take the fall. Don’t make a scene. Let it go. Sweep it under the rug.

And I have to ask…if no one is the first one in front of the cannon then doesn’t that mean the cannon just keeps firing? 

Do you want to live in a world where the cannons just shoot indiscriminately? (I mean, we do, and that is because men are in charge). Don’t you appreciate the people who get out in front of the cannons and say “Wait a second. Why are we shooting? Can we stop shooting? Can we just treat each other with respect? Can we just let a woman do her job without having to step in front of a cannon?”

But men don’t have to think that way. Men don’t have to decide to speak up. I mean they could—after all that’s what good allyship is all about. But, they don’t have to.

And, you know what, I don’t have to either. But I’m going to. For me, for the women beside me, and for the girls behind me. I’m going to keep stepping in front of cannons. Even when it’s uncomfortable. Even when it hurts. Even when it keeps me up at night. Even when I wish I would just shut my mouth and sweep, sweep, sweep it under the rug. 

*With the exception of my husband. I mean, not to brag, but my feminist husband is my biggest cheerleader. Thanks MIL